Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
third nipple confirmed
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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