4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
