Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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