Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
