we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You've changed since you got that strap on