i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
