You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.