If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down