so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights