I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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