Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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