i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
