I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize