you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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