we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
