I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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