Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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