I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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