My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
