I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
