she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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