my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
a search helicopter?!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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