I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
cat food counts as protein by the way
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
