It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
