I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
