i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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