dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i out mim tonsoeep
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
