***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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