he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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