Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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