You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
