matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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