If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
