Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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