She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am one with the molecules
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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