I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
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All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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