I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You smell like stripper and shame
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
