Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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