Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
