I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
