North Korea, Best Korea!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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