my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
