We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
