If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
