just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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