Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
