My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When did angry sex become our thing?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
