So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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