Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
