WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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