hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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