I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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