he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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