last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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