check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
