New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
