i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
