Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
