Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
