My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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