can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
