turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
