At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
