Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
