Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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