hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
