You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
