ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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